More Updates Coming Soon!

2006-11-26T09:45:00.000-08:00

Okay, recently a friend suggested that I should start updating this page again. I've been thinking about it for sometime as alot of stuff has been twisting my brain, but didnt think anyone actually read this crap LOL. Sooooo.. stay tuned.

update?

2006-04-14T00:52:00.000-07:00

it's been a while since I've had much time to write. Many things in my life have gotten worse, and few things have gotten better.

It's funny really.. they have all these different programs etc to try to help the poeple who want to, or even try to take there own life... the people who think ending it is the only way out. They have Doctors, Emergency Help lines, even places you can get away from it all for a while..

But what happens to the truely depressed? The people who have realized that death really isnt a way out, it's not an escape, but mearly a punishment to those around you? What happens to us, when there is nobody to comfort? to re-assure? to BE there?

We survive.. thats what we do.. cause there is no other way.

We struggle to make it through our meaningless lives..
We grow dead inside only to numb the pain.. yet
We HATE mearly to feel...

We take comfort in the darkness, only to be alone..

What happen to us when we are lost?
When there is no candle to light our way..
We wander through the emptiness..
To find only our own depression..

Tick? Tock!

2005-08-21T11:24:00.000-07:00

so you wanna know what makes me tick huh? well sit back and enjoy the read, cause bit by bit, I'm gonna show you what it's like to be me..

Nowadays you hear about violence in schools left, right, and center, and every school has there policies on violence and there tollerance of it. Imagine early to mid 80's when it was unheard of, and an elementary school child getting beaten on by anywhere from 7-20 kids, daily.. this is what I lived with at school. Before long it became too much to handle, and I started running away from school when I was 7. The school itself covered up the beatings for years, and I was labeled as having "problems controlling my temper".

By the time I hit grade 5, it was obvious I needed to be transferred to another school, and I was transffered to another school, in the closest city, and placed in a "Special needs" class. They taught me how to learn to control my anger, as well as helped me with any school subjects i was having problems with. Of course, being a new kid, in a new school, in a special needs class didnt help the beatings stop.. they continued at the new school, but over time, the kids at the new school started hitting maturaty, and the fun they derived from my beatings went away.

Finally, at the end of my grade 7 year, I was allowed to leave, and return to my original school, which didnt go all too well. I wasnt even at the old school for more then a week when the beatings from the original kids started again. Same thing as before, everyday 7-20 kids would find me and start beating on me, except now they were 13 and 14 yr olds in grade 8. This made it ALOT worse then when I was younger. They always tell you as a kid, "Just walk away from it", and I'm proof that walking away only makes them want to beat you even more.

Now you gotta understand, these beatings happened ON the school yard and our schol yard was basically a big field, so there wasnt anywhere they could exactly hide from sight while they beat me. Instead, they did it whever they found me (by the school doors, on the playground, anywhere) and the teachers, when they saw the giant crowd of kids beating on me, would just turn and walk the other way, avoiding "partolling" the area where I was catching the beating of my life.

This continued till one day when I could no longer take it anymore. I waited till my parents were out of the house, and I snuck upstairs to my dads dresser and stole his Swiss Army knife he kept there, I wasnt gonna be a victim again. When I took it, I was only 11 or 12 and was gullable enough to believe that just flashing the knife would be enough to scare them all off and get them to leave me alone for good, but I was wrong.

The next day as I got ready for school, I tucked the knife in my sock just like I had seen with the boot knives on TV. I headed to school hoping this would end it forever. They didnt even wait for me lunch time, I caught the beating of my life striaght off stepping foot on the school grounds, but this time would be different.

After about the first 10-15 kicks and punches, I reached down and pulled out the knife, opend it up and released the largest massive rage release you could imagine.. Just like something outta a comic book I came to my feet with a loud roar and started swinging the knife at anyone I could reach. the next bits are more of flashes of what happened, as they happened so fast, and I was so throttled on adrenaline. I remember trying to stab several people, including the guy who was the "leader" and who had been beating me for the longest. I remember threatening them that if they didnt stop, I will kill them all. and finally I remember seeing someone running away from me, as fast as they could. In a blind rage, I let the knife loose, hurling it at the back of the outline running away from me.

As my anger dissappated, I started to see more clearly, and realized that the outline I had thrown it at was a girl who was in the grade below me, who was also one of the pople who constantly gave me my beatings. Fortunately for her, I knew very little about throwing knives, and how you are properly supposed to handle them. I'm sure that is the ONLY thing that saved her life. The knife hit handle first against her back and fell to the ground, which she promptly stopped and picked it up, before making another run for it, but this time yelling out that she was gonna go tell the teacher on me and give her my knife.

This again sparked my rage, that I was gonna get in trouble now, and probably expelled, for trying to save myself from the beatings. Within a split second I took off after her, chasing her around the yard (aprox 1/2 acre), through the school (pushing several staff out of the way as I went), and back outside and around the school itself twice, before she found the teacher she was looking for, with me on her heels the whole time.

She gave the teacher the knife and told her I had thrown it at her. I didnt let the fact the teacher was there try to stop me, I just kept trying to get ahold of the girl, but the teacher grabbed me by the arm, rather forcefully, and dragged me into the school.

My parents were called, and when they arrived, they were told what had happened about the knife, and what the other students had said. Of course the school believed every word the other students said, and ignored me trying to tell them I was being beaten daily. The school then told my parents that I was going to be expelled, and they were calling the cops and having me arrested.

Now this is when all hell broke loose from my mom. She ripped both the teacher and principal each new assholes, telling them how I came home with bruises and cuts daily, and how many times I had run away from school to try to escape a beating. She also went off on them on how they had been turning there backs to it all and that if the school took ANY kind of actions against me, that she would report them to the school board, newspapers, and to the police. I was dragged outta there shortly after she was done yelling, and never went back.

After several weeks of being able to stay at home while my parents searched for a new school for me, I was told I was going to be going to a place where I could get the help i needed. Like me getting daily beatings for the hell of it, was my fault somehow?

So what was there great solution? Beechgrove Children's Center in Kingston Ontario, and not for just for school time either. First, for those of you who dont know what Beechgrove is, let me explain. Imagine a juvenile detention center run by Kingston Psychiatric Hospital. it's even on the damn Psych's grounds. This place was supposed to be for "problematic" children who have had troubles with the law but couldnt be sent to a detention center, or attempted suicide at an early age. Basically it's a psych hospital for children, starting at like ages 8 and going till 16.

There are several padded rooms, which I spent alot of time in cause they "didnt like my attitude" or whatever other reason they pulled outta there asses. Now I realize I wasnt an angel as a child, but after being IN beechgrove, I dont think ANY kids should have to have to go through there. It's basically a prison, run by government paid shrinks, for kids.

My arrangements were that I would live there during the week (sunday night till friday night) and then would be able to go home to live with my parents on the weekends. I would have a regular school schedule, like every other kid in the world, and would just come home to the "residence" afterwards. This worked out for a while, till the staff started suggesting I didnt "deserve" to go home and visit my family on weekends.

You gotta understand, in my family, ANYTHING to do with the family getting all together was a HUGE deal. our thanksgiving was nearly as big as christmas, so NOT being able to go home and see them on the weekend was a BIG deal. And guess when they decided I SHOULDNT go home? Easter Weekend. needless to say, I didnt even get to see my parents or family for that weekend, not a phone call, or nothing. I spent most of that weekend in one of there ever so popular padded rooms, with a reason this time though.. I was pissed and was definately letting them know.

I was in there for pretty much that whole school year, and when the "contractual" amount of time i had to be there for was over, I pretended to be the most perfect kid in the world, so I could get out of there, and it worked, but with restrictions. I was no longer allowed to goto the highschool I wanted to for grade 9. Instead, beechgrove had a class setup where they could monitor kids, in another highschool, and I didnt really have a choice in going. I spent my grade 9 year in the beechgrove class, while still attending regular highschool classes, and finally at the end of the school year, I was allowed to attend regular school, without having to deal with anything beechgrove related. I can tell you, being in that class, as well as being the new kid in a new highschool also got me quite a few beatings.

I will continue to post more stuff when I get the chance, and eventually, you will get the whole picture of what makes me tick. This was just a very small example, and doesnt contain even 1/10th of the stuff that went on related to beechgrove and how I got in/out of there, but I will continue to fill in the blanks as time goes on.

left unsaid..

2005-08-07T00:35:00.000-07:00

"hey mom?

do you remember when I was a kid, and we lived in Murray Place? remember we had a fishtank that sat on a tv stand in the kitchen, it was next to the table. The table was a kinda white, almost mother of pearl, with brown marble through it. The chairs had been re-appolstered with a maroon velvet kind of fabric, to cover the old brown fabric. you remember it? do you remember how the fishtank got broken? i do...

I remember hiding under the chairs, under the table, in fear of my life, begging you not to hit me. I pleaded, "Please mom, just don't hit me." I also remember how you beat me till I stopped. You just kept hitting me, asking if I was on drugs or something. You tried to get me out from under that table for nearly 10 minutes, all the time hitting me whenever you could reach. I still pleaded, "Please, I'll stop, just dont hit me again!" but it had little affect on your determination to get me out from under that table. You finally dragged me out by my arm, and gave me several more smacks, before I managed to get away. As I did, you tried to chase me down, but we both slipped, and hit the TV stand holding fishtank. It fell to the tiled floor, and shattered instantly, spilling water and the fish everywhere. That breaking fishtank was the only thing that stopped you from hitting me that day... I still remember it vividly. All you kept asking was "ARE YOU ON DRUGS OR SOMETHING?! TELL ME!" It's kinda funny actually...

....the drugs are the only thing that kills the pain now."

Unnamed Darkness

2005-08-04T21:38:00.000-07:00

The darkness awakens, it slumbers no longer,
my deamons begin to scream.
Their voices resonate throughout my mind,
tearing at my sanity it seems.

The fear and the hatred, the depression and pain,
the pills can't stop him this time.
He's calling for blood, and taking control,
my conciousness is no longer my own.

Somewhere within, burried so deep,
another.. part of me.. stirs.
It rips and it tears as he tries to get free,
maybe this time I should let him.

For You

2005-08-04T19:55:00.000-07:00

distraught in a memory, lost in a moment,
seizing an emotion, fragile as I hold it.

denial from within, your heart hath grown cold,
a flicker of flame, from days not so old.

every inch of your body, and every kiss laid,
etched in my heart, and never shall fade.

fear of the hurt, you deny of your past,
tears in your eyes, that never shall pass.

coldness sets in, songs all but spent,
fears upon my cheek, shall never relent.

All but adue, our moment is past,
from something so simple, for this is our last.

Random Something:Inside The Mind

2005-08-04T17:21:00.000-07:00

Nowadays, everyone is fuct up in one manner or another. Wether daddy diddled his little girl, or mommy wasnt there for her little boy, we all have our issues. I created this blog as an addition to Random Something so that I could let you delve deep into what demons and darkness lies inside my mind..

...Are you ready for a little trip?